With Halloween just around the corner it seems like the perfect time to talk about the bad rap that zombies get from employers. Just like everyone else in the job market the economy has taken its toll on the ability of zombies to find the right employment opportunities.
So for employers who are in the market to fill job openings with really inexpensive labor, here’s why you should consider hiring zombies to handle the grunt work.
Save Money on Company-Sponsored Benefits
Even though zombies are called the "undead,” in reality, they are dead. Think about how that impacts the benefit packages your company offers.
First, there are all the insurance programs that zombies can forego. There is no need for health insurance since the only time zombies see their primary care physician is when the doctor is conducting experiments. Chances are they won’t return from that visit. And since zombies are not alive, merely reanimated, technically they are not eligible for life insurance. Besides, no self-respecting zombie would ever dream of enrolling in something called life insurance.
Next, zombies don’t sleep and are always on the go, so they don’t require time off. And have you ever heard of a zombie getting sick? Well, sicker than they already are? That means no paying for vacation or sick leave.
Finally, zombies have no need for other benefits such as a 401K plan or education reimbursement program. They don’t retire. In fact, there seems to be a debate about whether they ever die. And further education is beyond their ability to comprehend, which is surprising considering all the gray matter they eat.
Save Money on Compensation
Another good thing about hiring zombies is the financial savings. While many of today’s business professionals spend a large portion of their income on every day needs such as food, clothing and a roof over their head, zombies’ needs are much simpler.
Since zombies are dead and don't need to sleep, they don't need a place to crash. They obviously don’t care about their appearance. And when it comes to food, they are willing to work for body parts; thereby, saving the company lots of money.
Keep in mind that their insatiable need to gnaw on something might cause problems with their coworkers in nearby cubicles. So be sure to have plenty of human body parts on hand or you could end up with a wrongful death lawsuit.
Lower Employee Turnover
One of the most difficult issues that employers face is repeatedly hiring and training employees for entry-level and dead-end jobs. Humans move on. So these jobs are perfect for zombies.
With no aspirations beyond being fed, they are perfectly happy to perform the same repetitive task over and over without complaint. Okay, they might grunt once in a while, but generally they are compliant. And long after you’re moved on in your career, they’ll probably still be doing the same old, crappy job.
The fact is that zombies have been maligned for years. What they offer to employers is an effective, long-lasting, low-cost source of labor. Hire a zombie as your next employee this holiday season.
Deborah S. Hildebrand - Deborah S. Hildebrand is a freelance writer & HR consultant with 20+ years in human resources & a Bachelor's degree in Business.
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