One of the toughest parts of growing older is realizing that your parents are aging as well. There will eventually come a time when they will need your assistance to deal with the problems in their lives that they might find overwhelming.
While their behavior may seem childlike in many ways, remember they are not children. They have years of experience that require respect and understanding. However, you can still utilize the skills you developed raising your own children to cope with and assist your aging parents.
Explain the Reason behind the Action
My 84-year-old father is relatively healthy for his age. He takes no maintenance medication and lives independently in the home he owns. He wears a hearing aid and his balance is off, probably due to the hearing loss.
Just over a year ago, he had a nasty fall that put him in a nursing home for about ten days. Nothing was broken, but he required round-the-clock care because he couldn’t put any weight on his bruised hip.
In his absence, we took away the stepladder that caused the accident and moved the items from his top shelves to lower levels. He told me to quit treating him like a child. These words immediately put me on the defensive. It was difficult not to over react with some witty retort.
Instead, I took a deep breath and a step backwards. It was apparent that controlling his every action was not only futile, but that it would be exhausting. The solution was to have a very real conversation about expectations and needs, and to establish some easy ground rules; things like respecting his years of experience, having a willingness to listen to each other and offering explanations along with solutions. It may have worked when I was a kid, but now it wasn’t enough to say, “Because I said so.”
Offer Advice, But Take ‘No’ for an Answer
Going through this process has helped me to realize that just like children adults need boundaries. It is important to help aging parents recognize and learn to accept their limitations. They might not like it, but it is a normal part of life. It is equally important to know where you draw the line with regard to your interceding on their behalf.
In the beginning, I was all about telling my father what I was going to do or what he should do to make his life work better; as if I had the solution to all his problems. Now I merely offer my point of view and suggestions, and then let him select what works for him.
He has walker because he likes the basket and the seat for carrying groceries; however, he rarely uses it because it’s cumbersome, especially trying to fit it in the car. I suggested a cane instead. He’s thinking about it, but he’s not completely sold on the idea because he believes it will get in his way. I’m thinking it would make a great Christmas gift.
Test Things Out First
One of the most difficult parts of this process is the idea that, just like growing children, aging parents need assistance. They might think they can (or want to) do it for themselves; however, like young children who want to try something on their own for the first time, it is wise to test things out first.
In the case of my father, a frequent topic of discussion has been driving. Should he continue or not? The most recent conversation was prompted when his car suddenly wouldn’t start. He was ready to sell it to his barber or give it to us until I stepped in and suggested this was the perfect opportunity for him to try living without it.
Three weeks and several missed buses later, he wanted his car back. He found the loss of freedom and living on someone else’s schedule difficult to manage. He figured there would be time enough to be without it when he moves into a nursing home, something he now anticipates happening in the next few years.
Build a Strong, Supportive Network
Just like parents with children, it is vital to have a supportive network. A refuge where you can go to scream and shout frustrations or turn to for advice. Even though my parents are no longer together, my mother listens and offers her insights into my father. She was married to him for nearly 20 years, after all.
My rock is my husband. He is patient, and with his own aging parents who can cause frustration, extremely understanding. My father jokingly calls him his mechanic-in-law.
Though my father thinks I am overly worried about him, he now takes my queries and advice in good stride realizing that it’s because I care. The more we help him, the more willing he is to accept that help. He even recently suggested that now it was as if I was the parent. He’s finally seeing things from my point of view.
Deborah S. Hildebrand - Deborah S. Hildebrand is a freelance writer & HR consultant with 20+ years in human resources & a Bachelor's degree in Business.
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