Have you ever wanted to get your point across to someone else and make sure that what you said was really understood? Sometimes it can be frustrating not knowing if the other person or the rest of the group got what you meant. Or that they took what you had to say seriously.
For women it can sometimes be difficult to express themselves. So how can you put meaning into a conversation without being mean?
Perceptions about Communication and the Sexes
According to Deborah Tannen, sociolinguist and author of the book You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, research shows remarked differences in the communication styles of men and women. She noted that men use conversation to negotiate status while women use it to negotiate closeness.
In addition, a study discussed in the Medscape Medical News article, “Men and Women Shown to Hear Differently,” noted that men and women listen differently as well. However, it did not conclude that either gender listened better. Though most people perceive that because of what are historically female traits like nurturing and caring, women are better listeners than men.
Unfortunately, while good listening skills may be considered an asset by many, they are often seen as a weakness due to the passive nature of listening. Therefore, when women don’t speak up or do so in a softer or more tentative style, they are perceived as the weaker communicator.
Regardless of gender, being able to communicate -– speaking and listening -– is an important skill in both personal and work situations. People who are capable of being able to present their ideas in a clear, concise manner without resorting to yelling their point of view or bullying the listener are in a much better position to get their meaning across without being mean.
Making Conversation Work for You
If you find there are times when people ignore your ideas or won’t listen to what you have to say, it’s time to regain control and make your viewpoint known. However, it is important to do it in a professional manner. Not brash, bitchy or mean, but with confidence. Here are five tips on how to get your point across.
- Eliminate crutch words and phrases. A sure sign that you are not confident in what you are about to say is when you pepper your speech with “ahs,” “ums” and “likes.” If you have a problem with too many pregnant pauses and you feel the urge to fill the void, speak more slowly and think carefully about what you want to say instead.
- Don’t hedge. Unfortunately, many women hedge when they speak because they doubt themselves or how their audience will perceive them. Hedging your input by starting with an intro line such as, “Now this is only my opinion” belittles your ideas and waters down your message even before you’ve presented your case. If you have something to say, say it with confidence. Don’t give excuses or explanations. Others may disagree, but at least you will be heard.
- Leave your feelings at the door. One of the biggest issues between men and women is the idea of talking about feelings. Women want to, men don’t. It is totally inappropriate at work and one of the quickest ways to lose your credibility. And showing emotion is even worse. Friendly, yes. Crying, no.
- Have a clear, concise point of view. If you aren’t clear what your position is yet, listen to what others are saying and ask questions before you respond. Whatever you do, be assertive not aggressive when you do have something to say.
- Speak up and stand firm. The only way to be an active participant in a meeting or discussion is to jump in and contribute your ideas and opinions. Waiting for an opening is like waiting for a lunar eclipse. It rarely happens.
The fact is that even when we are speaking the same language, communication can be a challenge. Meanings can be misconstrued. Intent can be misunderstood. And frustration can be in the offing. It is up to you to develop your ability to communicate your thoughts and ideas precisely so others understand without you having to yell at them.
One final piece of advice: note reactions from others. If you want to know how well you are getting your point across, pay attention to their verbal and physical cues. Are your listeners making eye contact and leaning forward in their seats? Or are they looking away, rolling their eyes, even yawning? It is important to make your point, but it is equally important to get to your point. And that is the real reason you want to be sure to put meaning into your conversation without being mean.
Deborah S. Hildebrand - Deborah S. Hildebrand is a freelance writer & HR consultant with 20+ years in human resources & a Bachelor's degree in Business.
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